About Me

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I have been at rock bottom and back. I want to share my journey with you. I have felt love deeper and stronger than I ever knew possible. I have grown closer to Christ and been influenced by amazing people.

Life....at last

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Here are his one year pictures! soooo cute!

1 year ago

1 year ago I was holding my son. Getting in as many kisses as I could before I had to let him go. Last year on October 21st, a beautiful baby boy named Issac was born. He came into my life that day and changed it forever. I took one look at him and could not believe how much I loved him. I knew at that moment that what I was about to do would be the hardest thing I will ever have to do. I knew that from that moment I would never be the same. This little innocent 7 pound boy had more of an impact on my life than anyone or thing in my life. And he didnt even know it!

Friday night I flew out to where my son lives. I went out to spend some time with him for his birthday. I wasnt even scared, since this wasn't my first time seeing him since I placed him. I was more excited!

I got to his house and there he was. In the arms of his mother. So content and happy. I just felt this rush of joy. That day was the best day this year for me. I got to spend so much time with him. See him open presents, play with them, and his family. I got to feed him and hold him and play with him. I couldnt believe how happy I was. He has such an amazing life and I gave that to him! I gave him everything I EVER wanted for him! I was so happy that words cant even come close to how I felt. I would look at him and not be able to believe that I made him. That I was this beautiful sweet little boys birth-mother. Im so proud to be his birthmother. He has my eyes and my smile and my fat cheeks! He has my soft skin and my big heart.

I never knew that love could run so deep. I have been through so much this year even after Iplaced him. Things that weren't related to him. But now that I look back, they were nothing compared to what happened a year ago. Im a better person now, stronger, smarter, and have expereinced a love that will never be replaced. The people in my life back then that are no longer in my life now, are only missing out on the best of me. They couldnt stand to deal with something life that hard. I did it, I overcame it, I am better because of it. They stopped and just left me. Couldnt deal with it. I am stronger than them. And at the time I didnt feel that but now that Ilook back I see that I made it through! I made it through my year of hell! sadness so deep and I never thought I could come out. Lonliness so dark I never thought I would be whole again. This little boy has a special part of my heart and always will.

I am so proud of myself, and no one will make me feel differently. I have realized that now I can do anything! I can do anything! It has been one hell of a year, but all for the better :)


The first weekend in September I went to see Isaac. He was gettin blessed in church. His family invited me to go. I was so flattered! I was so excited to see him. part of me was a little scared but not too much. I knew that he wouldnt remember me but that wasnt my concern. On the drive there I tried to prepare myself. I told myself that he probably wont want me to hold him. He wont cuddle to me or even recognize my face. I was ready. I knew it would be ok, I knew it would be ok because he has everything I have ever wanted for him.

We pulled up at the house. Got out of the car and just started walking. We got to the door and thats when I realized what I was doing. But by then it was too late, his sister answered the door. She looked up at me and said "I've missed you!" It was so sweet! she gave me a hug and felt so warm and welcome and thought "MAN! Isaac has a great sister!" She is so sweet and kind hearted, she is an amazing older sister.

We walked in and I looked around trying to not look to anxious to see him. He wasnt around. I saw his dad and gave him a hug. I saw his brother and gave him a hug too. He imidiatly told me that Isaac was upstairs, he just woke up. I went into the kitchen with my mom. We were there sitting and talking with his dad. Then all of the sudden, there he was, in his moms arms. I have never seen a more beautiful little boy. He was so cute and so sweet! He looked so curious, like "who are these people in my house?" she walked over and handed him to me. I held him and he looked at me like he was trying to figure out who i was. It was precious. I loved holding him. His little belly and arms and legs. Man! had he grown up! He looked so big and so cute! I mean he really is a little man. You can tell from looking at him that he thinks he is older than he is. My heart instantly filled with warmth. I felt...happy! I took him in the backyard and saw him walk. His little bum waddling back and forth, his arms in the air as if thats makes him go faster, his voice shriking with excitment. It was the most beautiful thing i have seen. I loved watching his brother and sister play with him fight over who gets to kiss him next. This is what I wanted. This is it! a family, conent, happy, baby life. He is a momas boy, I love that. He LOVES his mom. I mean that just shows me that he is loved and perfectly taken care of.

Words cant explin how happy that moment made me when i saw him lay his head on his mom. I just knew that he was happy and that is all that matters to me, that is all that has ever mattered to me. His well being and happiness have always mattered to me more than anything else in this world. After a little bit of playing we went to church for the belssing. When it came time to bless him I was so shocked to see my dad and older brother get up to go bless him! I had no idea that they were invited....it meant more to me than I think his family will ever know. The blessing was beautiful and touched me so deep. Then after the blessing they came and sat down and they asked me if i wanted to hold him. How did they know! lol! I leaned over and held him. He was so into my face and the features. it was cute! he just looked at me. Then we played with one of his toys. Then his mom and dad got up to bare their testimony. They were beautiful. His mom expressed hoe grateful she was to finally have her family that she has always wanted. She was so happy to have a family! something so small and something that we forget how lucky we are to have. It was so touching. Then his dad said that he was so thankful for each of their birth-childrens birth mothers. Without them they wouldnt have the beautiful family that they did. I thought, "wow, i did that" I helped this couple have a family." I felt so happy. I not only gave my sone everything I have ever wanted for him but I blessed the lives of two amazing people that deserve to have a family just as much as anyone else. It was hard for me but worth it.

I could never explain what I have been throug in words that can relate people to my feelings. But I can remember them for myself. I know that what I did was right and that it was for my son and him only. I have lived a life and I have an amazing family. I want that for him, he is my most amazing blessing. He has done more for me than he will ever know. I am so happy. I love my son more than the day I had him and more than the day I placed him. I find peace and happiness in knowing that he is ok and he is happy. He will know who I am and he will know that I love him. Thats enough for me.

He is my baby boy and always will be. :)



SO CUTE!!!!!! (like his mom) lol!!!


I was litening to the song "Bye Bye" by Mariah Carey and it got me thinking for the first time. I have listened to it before and I know that I like it but this time I herd it differently.

I have lately been wanting to hear my sons laugh more than anything. I would give anything just hear his laugh. I get pictures and letters from him and he is so happy. That makes me happy. I know the feeling now of my parent being happy when Im happy and how much they really just want me to be happy. All I wanted for my son was for him to be happy and content and I see that in his pictures. My heart grows ten sizes every time I see his pictures. He is smilling laughing...being a baby! It so rewarding and it makes me feel so happy that happy is nowhere near a strong enough word. I could never sxplain the feeling I get when i see him happy. Well I was listening to that song and I thought of how much it hurt to say bye bye to my son...but now how right it was. The song talks about being able to say goodbye to someone and let your feelings show that you miss them or to stand proud if you let someone go cause you love them. Its such a different approach to saying goodbye. Alot of people will hold on those feelings of feeling like the lost someone and said goodbye, but yet we shout out when we have something good happen. Well why cant we stand and put our hands in air and feel out loud about saying goodbye. You know that they say when you really love someone you have to say goodbye. When you really love someone you will do what is best for them....they come first. That to me is true love. Love is not selfish or unkind. It is giving and honest. I feel that I have felt the greatest love and I did the best thing. I said bye bye. And now the one person in this world that has my heart is happy. That is all I wanted. I did that. I put that smile on his face. I put that laugh in his heart. I put that sense of saftey and comfort and content in his mind. I gave him a famil, I gave him a life, the life a baby should have. He will always know who I am and always know I love him. That is good enough for me. :) I love my son I love him so much I let him go.

one of my fav pics



This little boy is the love of my life! he is my greatest blessing.....his smile makes me happier than anything else in this world!! i gave him a family and a life!

Following the darkest night follows the brightest dawn

"FOLLWOING THE DARKEST NIGHT FOLLOWS THE BRIGHTEST DAWN" I first herd this quote from my friend that came to see me a day after I had placed my son for adoption. At the time I didnt believe it. I was so low I couldn't see how that would ever possibly work. How, when you're so low, can you believe that it gets better? Its like I was so far down a hole in the ground that the top was a speck the size of a star in the sky. Every morning I woke up I was supposed to feel better... but it just got harder and harder to get out of bed. I remember thinking that my bed was my only comfort. But then I thought, if there is a speck of light...that means there is a speck of hope. My "dark night" lasted so long. It felt as though the rest of my life was going to be dark. But then one morning I woke up and I felt a little brighter. I now belive the saying more than ever. I see life in such a brighter way. Right now my sun is still rising...but at least its rising right? It a beautiful sunrise too. The colors give both energy and hope, peace and comfort. Its beautiful. I believe I have gottne over the hardest part, but I dont by any means feel as though its easy. Everyday I have to remind myself that if I made it this far then I only have up to go from here. And that is exaclty where I plan to go. Up.

--Danielle Stewart

NO ONE talks about my son like that!

So I went on a trip this past week to Jersey to visit my sister. I had a really good trip and it was a lot of fun. But there was one thing that happened that made me so mad. I cant remember ever feeling that mad.

I had a guy that I had been talking to tell me that me placing my son for adoption was selfish and that I was only thinking of myself. And know that just before this he had gotten mad at me for a judgment that I made on him. I admitted that I shouldnt have done that and that I was wrong but then he turns around and judges me, and with this! He has no idea! I did not choose the easy way out and I did what was best for my son. I know this and I dont need anyone to tell me different. He can have his point of view that is fine, but I wont have that in my life. I dont need someone in my life telling me that what I did was selfish, someone bringing me down. I have been through hell and back through this adoption and I think that considereing how low I got im doing really well. Im not going to let some guy who is inmature and insecure with himself to bring me down. I can understand his point of view if I had choosen to place him because I didnt want the resposibility, but that was not the case. I would have loved to have the chance to raise him, waks up and feed him, play with him, feed him, bath him, take him the doctor to see how much he had grown, be so tired from no sleep to take care of him, but I also would never see him, I would work full time and then another part time job. My mom would have raised him and I would only see him at night and maybe on the weekends. I would be working just to make ends meet. I had no support from the dad and I know that I wanted my son to have more. I wanted him to have a stable home and a strong father figure. I wanted to have the family that I believe in and this was the only way to give it to him. As his mother I felt that it was my duty to give what he needed no matter what, so I did. It sucked for me but it wasnt me I was worried about. Im so happy of where he is and I love that it is an open adoption. He is my pride and joy and my inspiration. He is my greatest blessing and not a day goes by where I dont wish he was in my arms, but that comes with the desicion I made and I have no regrets. I made that decision with God on my side. I know I did the right thing and Im proud of myself.
That guy obviously doesn't understand and that is ok. I dont think anyone ever will unless they go through it themselves. I love my son and no one will ever love him as much as I do. Like they say, when you really love someone you have to let them go. He is taken care of and is happy, that is all I want...for him to be happy. :)

I love you.....now what?

Well I herd on the radio today people telling stories about a time when they told someone that they loved them and the person said thank you in return and stories that were vice verse..
I have never been in the situation but I do know that I have done the one thing that you shouldn’t do, and that is say “I love you” back because you don’t want to hurt the other persons feelings. I am one of those people that likes everyone to be happy. I am the pleas-er. I want everyone to be happy and if someone is not I take it as my fault if I cant fix it. I don’t like people to suffer and be sad if I can help it. Of course there are those people that have done so wrong that I don’t feel bad for them to a point but at the same time I think that if someone is willing to try to be better and change their life then I don’t think I’m one to down that. With all that said I was sitting there listening to these people tell their stories of hearing the dreadful “Thank You” and I thought….whats better if the person doesn’t feel the same? “Thank you?” or nothing?
I personally with what I have experienced being the one to have the response it would have been so much better if I had said Thank you, instead of saying I love you back out of compassion. But I also do think that you can say something better than nothing and better than Thank you. You could explain where you are. I think that if the person is going to take the courage to put themselves out there then they at least deserve an explanation back. You should or they should at least tell them how they feel and where they are. I know that if i told someone that I love them and they weren’t ready to say it back I would like an explanation as to where they are. I think that it would be least a person could do.

Danielle Stewart

Ugly Betty

I am not one to usually offended by what people say to me.... but I am no super hero either. I have feelings and they can get hurt. I can get sad if someone says something to me.

I have been in denial for tha past few months. I have realized that I am bigger than I think I am. I know that I gained wieght that I am bigger but I think that I am way bigger than I thought. i gave birth to a beautliful baby boy 7 months ago and I haven't lost all the weight yet. Now I see that I need to get movin. But I have recently been turned down by two different guys for being "too big". So I question the whole "Ugly Betty" thing. I mean is it really that easy? How do you let someone get to know you if they aren't physically attracted to you? Is that the whole purpose for online dating? Is that what they were thinking? letting people get to know the person for who they really are before they physically meet?

I am a believer of knowing the person on the inside. I believe that who a person is on the inside can change the apperance on the outside. I think that I have a good personality and that I am a good person...but hjow do I get someone else to see that if they cant even look at me?

Well I know that where I am, I am not healthy so Im going to change. But not for them....for me! Im not going to go crazy but Im going to open my eyes to what is going on with my body! I need to realize that I have to be healthy to be around longer. And I want to go shopping and not dread it! Im going to keep an update and I invite anyone wanting to loose 1-100 lbs, to join me!! We all know that nothing feels better than a goal reached! So lets give it a try. We only have this one life!! So lets get movin and live our life up!!

--Danielle Stewart

Who am I?

Who am I? Ill tell you!

I am strong, I am powerful I can make a difference.

I am beautiful inside and out.

I am a life giver, life learner and life lover.

I know my worth and I know yours.

I am sad, I am happy, I am grateful, I am lost, I am found.

I am who I am and I am proud of that. I can only control myself and no one else. I have endless possibilites and will forever be one who can have a choice. I will never regret the past and always look forwad to the future. Life is a gift and I will always treat it as so. I have been through my hard time and I only want to influence those going through thiers. I know my potential and I know yours. I am one of a billion and one in a billion. I am me. Not you or her or them, just me. Im goofy and playful. Im risky and dependable. I gave life in two ways. I gave life through birth and I have life to a family. I am a birth mother and proud to be. I stand tall and strong and no one will bring me down. my happiness depends on me and only me. I will not get down because if someone else. Others cnat control me, only influence me. I love to love and love to be loved. Forever will I strive to love others as I have been loved. Love is a lost art and I want to find it again.

Who am I? You'll see. I am me.

Danielle Stewart

First Day yesterday

So yesterday was my fist day on a new job. I have to say that usually a first day can be stressful and not always your favorite...but I have to say that mine was amazing!! I loved every second of it! I felt so welcome and loved there! I know that there is a lot to learn, but hey that is one of my favorite things to do! I mean life is all about learning and when I get a chance to learn something new I take the chance! I feel that the more that I can learn the more I can get out of life. So Im learning and growing. I believe that a person is always learning...why not learn what you love and what can only make you a better person. I love my new job...watch me grow!!!

First Day Yesterday

blah blah dog ya hahaha

Inner Beauty v Outer Beauty

Who ever said to not judge a book by its cover must have been through something that brought them to look on the inside of people. Maybe someone didn't give them a chance because of what was on the outside, or maybe it really is just to not judge an actual book by its cover. I guess you can take it as you want. But I think I have new found respect for that saying.

I have never really been one to base my solid and concluding opinion on someone by only their looks. I have always loved to get to know people, find out where they are from and what they want out of life. Find THEIR story. I believe that everyone has a story and that is a big impact on how they find themselves. Obviously my regular readers know that I have been through a lot and that has had a huge impact who I am today. But recently my self respect was challenged. I liked this guy and things were going really well. We totally clicked in every way but one apparently. He lead me to believe that no matter how much weight I had gained since the birth of my child, it didn't matter because he liked me for who I was. Well that turned out to not be the case and my feelings were hurt when he said that he didn't want to go on a date with me because I am bigger than he thought. Well that's fine if I'm bigger than he thought, but to lead me to that point is wrong. I let it get me down and was so self aware of my body when really I should be fine. I mean after you place your child for adoption, its not like a month or even a year later you are all better and ready to go. But especially right after I can promise that the first thing that was on my mind was not to get to the gym and shed those pounds! I had to cry and let it out and work out me feelings. And to this day I will admit that I am still sad and not over it. But will I ever be? Will I ever be over the fact that I grew a beautiful creation of God in my body and gave birth to him, knowing him, loving him, and wanting to be everything I ever could to him, then handing him to another woman to raise him and call him hers? HA! no! not ever! he is and forever will be my son.

So I look at the this whole inner and outer beauty thing and I think... Is it all my outer beauty? is that what I need to work on? Is that one right guy out there going to be looking for me by my outer beauty only? I don't think so. I believe that who a person is, is all that matters. I mean if you are going to not give someone a chance because you don't really like the way they look...then YOU have some issues to work out. If you look at someone and they are not what you are used to seeing...so what! To me that is part of the fun in life! Seeing all the different people. The colors the races, the religions, everything! I love people! I don't care what you look like. Its who you are on the inside that makes you who you are on the outside! I am a firm believer of that and I always will be.

So I challenge you the reader, that next time you see someone that may be a little different of if someone hits on you that is not to your complete physical liking, get off your high thrown that you think you sit on and get to know them. There is a reason that person is here and same for you. We all came the same way and we all should never look at another and just because of the "outerness" of them judge them. You could really be missing out on a beautiful person. If you can make an effort to not make or pass a judgment on someone until you know them then the good deed will be passed on. I know that we all feel like we are good people and would want someone to give us a chance. Well if we something to be different we cant just sit around and wait for others to do it. Get off your butt and make a difference! You may be one person, but it has to start somewhere. We are all worth getting to know. We were all worth a chance at life right? well then don't make someone elses life worse just cause you "aren't sure". There are good, great, amazing people out there. Lets get to know each other. Lets get to know the people that share this amazing journey together called life. You never know who you will meet. That one person could change your life in a way you didn't even know needed to be changed.
There are beautiful people around us everyday, all the time. Don't be shy and don't be shallow. be the better version of you. Take a deep look into yourself and you'll find that beautiful person. You'll find that person that is just dying to come out and see the world. Dare to be you.

Be who you want to be

Why do we let what others think affect us? Why does someone else get to determine who we are? why do we care what they think?
I know that I dont. If someone wants to look me up and down and make a judgment then I let them, to me it just means that they are so bored with themselves and thier lives that they have to take a moment to judge me. Why do they care? Whats it to them?
I dont understand how people can sit there and think that they have the authority to judge other. Are the perfect? have they never made a mistake? Do they look perfect everyday to everyone in the world?
Its so wrong and so stupid. I used to care what others thought and I would let it get to me. I put thier thoughts to action by letting it get to me. If i wouldnt have then thier thoughts would have just stayed thoughts and thoughts dont mean anything unless they are put to action. I then took a step back and said, "Why does what THEY think have to affect me?" It shouldnt! Who are they? They are a person just like me. Ya we're different but isnt everyone? Why would you want to be like someone else? With how many people there are in this world why would you want to be like someone else? Its like you are trying to be someone your not, but you dont know that you are doing that because you have not taken the time to find yourself. I promise that if you take the time to find yourself and learn to love yourself despite what others think you will be much happier. No can love you unless you love yourself. Sooner or later people can tell you are being fake. you can decide for yourself, you cant be alone, you cant make a choice without thinking about what someone else wantes or would like best.
There is no time in life to waste it trying to please everyone elese. Why cant we see that the most important person to please is ourselves? I have learned that the hard way. I have lived too much of my life caring what others thought and letting it get to me. I am me and no one else and I am proud of that. Ya I have made mistakes but i have grown from them and I am proud of that. Im proud that I was strong enough to grow form them and not let them destroy me. I think that I have become a better person and am on my way to being an even better person because of my change of thought.
In reality the only person that we can control is oursleves. We can have an influence on others but we cant control what they do or how they act or think. Knowing that then we should try to influence others in a positive way. We can give to others and serve. We are a people of selfishness and its about time we step out of our selfish box and give. Instead of looking at someone less fortunate and looking down on them, look at them and pray for them. If you can give in anyway, smile at them, say hi, dont be afraid to sit next to someone at a coffee shop you dont know and talk to them becasue you always see them sitting alone.
People are so fascinating to me and I love to learn about people and where they came from and where they have been adn where they are going. I want to meet as many people that I can in my life and I want to have a positive outlook on them and life.
Life is to short to waste on letting others thoughts get us down. We should look at our lives everyday and realize that there is so much to be grateful for. Be proud of who you are because you are beautiful, your are amazing, now let the world now! Be who you want to be not what others think of you. For you are you and only you and can only be you, and that you is perfect, and no one can say otherwise.

Finding yourself

Im laying bed and I can't sleep, third night in a row. On Wednesday I found out that my Fiance, who is serving Iraq, didn't want to be with me anymore. Days before this breaking email, he had emailed me and told me how much he loved me and missed me and couldn't wait to hold me again. I dont get it, there was no explanation. It was just over, just like that. I have, like most girls, had my heart broken and I thought that this was it, I finally found the one guy out there that I trusted would never hurt me. He chased after me for 8 months, then he got me, then he didn't want me. I'm lost. Why? I still have no explanation for this. Im heart broken. He was there for me when the guy who got me pregnant abanodned me, when I had the baby, when I had my break down, through it all, through my hardest time. I thought that since we made it through that we could make it through anything, guess not.

Was it me? Did I have so much wrong with that he just couldn't see past it anymore? He asked me to marry him! I didn't even think that he was going to ask me until a year from now! It was his desicion, it was his doing, now I'm left to suffer. Now Im back at square one. I have to move on. I have to try to find myself. What exactly does that mean? Am I supposed to go out looking for myself where my past was? I had dreams and goals, just because of all that has happened to me does that mean they are gone? Do I have to find those, and that is where I will find myself? When your a little child your dreams and goals are no where near what they are when your 21(for me at least) and living all on your own for the first time, living life. When I was little I wanted to be a princess, living in a big stone castle with my sister and bestfriend at the time. Then in Jr. High I wanted to be a movie star. I was in plays, doing commercials and I set my goal to be a movie star. Then in high school I decided that I had serious potential to be a dancer, so I went for it. It took me all over the U.S. I danced at both disneyland and disneyworld. I danced in mexico, I danced on TV. I thought I was making it. I got a scholorship to dance for a national winning school in Hawaii. I took it. That is where my life changed. I got pregnant, and my goals changed. Of course at the beginning of it all I tried to stay focused on my goals, but then I grew up. I had a life lesson and my goals changed. My eyes were opened to what I really believed and what I really wanted. At the time I wanted the best for my child and that is what I focused on. That is all that mattered. Now he is gone and Im here trying figure out what I can do. Im finding myself. My goals have changed somewhat. I do believe that there are people out there that know from a very young age what they want and they never want anything else so they go for it. But then there are people like me and it takes a little longer and some life lessons to figure it out. I still have some of the same goals, but right now Im learning about myself to know what is really out there for me.

The only problem with someone going for what they wanted since they were little is if they aren't careful they get lost in it and know of nothing else. They only know that life and how to live that life and when something comes in that they aren't used to they push it away because they dont know what to do with it. It isn't the norm for them. For some that might be ok, but for others they are pushing out people that could change thier life for the better. They have just lived in this one life for so long they know of nothing else. They need to find themselves. And sometimes stepping out of our norm is the only way for us to find out who we really are. You have to take that leap, that leap of faith. It might be scary, but you would rather live the rest of your life wondering what if? Life is too short to just let it pass you by. You have to live it and you can't live it if you don't know who you are! You can't help others unless you yourslef are mentally healthy. You cant live life and find yourself if you are lost in a familiar world. There is so much out there to experience, why let it go to waste? Live the world.

Loving, then loosing

How come when you love someone or something so much you have to eventually loose them or it? You devlope a love over a period of time and then like it never existed its gone. I have expereinced the greatest love and miracle a women can experience. I had a child, a beautiful baby boy. He was the most precious beautiful thing I had ever seen. He stole my heart the second I held him in my arms. "He is mine, I know him." He is my son. I have never known a love so deep and pure. How can you love someone so much you have just met and for reasons that dont make sense that aren't exact? It's a true miracle of God.

I love this little boy, I named him Isaac, in Hebru Isaac means "to love". As much as I loved this little innocent boy I could not get out of my head the fact that in two days I was going to give him to another woman. His mom. He was going to be raised by her, call her mom, go to her when he fell down, cuddle with her as she would read him a bed time story. He would grow to know her and forget me. He wont know of me or understand who I am until he was older. My boy, my son. I made him, he is my blood, he is me! Why can't I keep him? I askd myself this question over and over again throughout my pregnancy. There were things to me that were so important that I wanted him to have. A father, a stable home, a mom who can stay home with him, a family that will love him and give him opportunity. I didn't want to have to worry if I was going to be able to give him enough food that week or that I would run out of diapers. I may have made a mistake and gotten pregnant, but why make this little innocent child suffer? That, to me is selfish and not right. He deserves to have life like I had, full of opportunity and chances. He means more to me than my own life, and I want him to have everything that I couldn't give him. What I did was out of love, a love so full that no one can evem come close to knowing how I felt.

That last moment I had to hold him was the moment I'll never forget, he was asleep, not knowing what was going on, I was holding him on my chest, his little head on my shoulder and his face buried in my neck. His legs were all cuddled up in his chest and his arms as well. I sobbed, kissing him, whispereing "I love you" in his ear over and over again, like it was never enough. How could I do this? After what seemed to be seconds, when in reality is was 20 mins, I walked over to her and I placed my son in her arms. That was it that was the last time I would hold him. He was gone. I kissed him one last time and told him that I loved him and I always will. I turned around and walked away. I walked away from my son. I fell to my knees, I have never cried so hard in my whole life. I couldn't even hold my body up, even if I tried. I was screaming, I was so sad, I was gone. I fell asleep from crying so hard for about four hours and then woke up. I felt like what had just happened was a dream, it wasn't, I cried again. I hated myself, what had I done?!

I will say now that I DO NOT regret my desicion. It was right. I see pictures of him every week and he is so happy! I know him! I look at his face and I know him. He is mine and always will be. He has everything I have ever wanted. That makes me happy.

I choose the hard way. I choose to go thourgh with the pregnancy, even after his father abbandoned me. But in the end I did what was right for Isaac. He did nothing wrong, he was meant to come to earth and live life now and who am I to deprive him of that? Everything happens for a reason and it's how we deal with it that will determine the outcome. Isaac is living now, he is happy, isn't that what all parents want for thier child? To be happy? It was hard, the hardest thing I have ever done. But it was worth it. In life things that are hard are always there to teach us a lesson. I believe that if you choose the hard way you are choosing the right way. You just have to stop and really think, what is the hard way, and it usually turns out to be the right way.