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I have been at rock bottom and back. I want to share my journey with you. I have felt love deeper and stronger than I ever knew possible. I have grown closer to Christ and been influenced by amazing people.

Life....at last

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1 year ago

1 year ago I was holding my son. Getting in as many kisses as I could before I had to let him go. Last year on October 21st, a beautiful baby boy named Issac was born. He came into my life that day and changed it forever. I took one look at him and could not believe how much I loved him. I knew at that moment that what I was about to do would be the hardest thing I will ever have to do. I knew that from that moment I would never be the same. This little innocent 7 pound boy had more of an impact on my life than anyone or thing in my life. And he didnt even know it!

Friday night I flew out to where my son lives. I went out to spend some time with him for his birthday. I wasnt even scared, since this wasn't my first time seeing him since I placed him. I was more excited!

I got to his house and there he was. In the arms of his mother. So content and happy. I just felt this rush of joy. That day was the best day this year for me. I got to spend so much time with him. See him open presents, play with them, and his family. I got to feed him and hold him and play with him. I couldnt believe how happy I was. He has such an amazing life and I gave that to him! I gave him everything I EVER wanted for him! I was so happy that words cant even come close to how I felt. I would look at him and not be able to believe that I made him. That I was this beautiful sweet little boys birth-mother. Im so proud to be his birthmother. He has my eyes and my smile and my fat cheeks! He has my soft skin and my big heart.

I never knew that love could run so deep. I have been through so much this year even after Iplaced him. Things that weren't related to him. But now that I look back, they were nothing compared to what happened a year ago. Im a better person now, stronger, smarter, and have expereinced a love that will never be replaced. The people in my life back then that are no longer in my life now, are only missing out on the best of me. They couldnt stand to deal with something life that hard. I did it, I overcame it, I am better because of it. They stopped and just left me. Couldnt deal with it. I am stronger than them. And at the time I didnt feel that but now that Ilook back I see that I made it through! I made it through my year of hell! sadness so deep and I never thought I could come out. Lonliness so dark I never thought I would be whole again. This little boy has a special part of my heart and always will.

I am so proud of myself, and no one will make me feel differently. I have realized that now I can do anything! I can do anything! It has been one hell of a year, but all for the better :)


rebecca said...

i am so glad that your open adoption was the right choice for you! im so happy that you have a good relationship with issac and his adoptive family. and you are right, you can do anything;)

dani-gurl said...

Thank you that means a lot to me :)

Ashley said...

Okay so I am a total baby because as I was reading your post I was completely bawling. How sweet! This lucky little boy and the brave choice you made to give him a wonderful life. You definitely are a strong person.

dani-gurl said...

Ashley you are so sweet!! Thank you! It was for sure the hardest thing I have ever done but also the greatest :)