About Me

My photo
I have been at rock bottom and back. I want to share my journey with you. I have felt love deeper and stronger than I ever knew possible. I have grown closer to Christ and been influenced by amazing people.

Life....at last

Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones

Finding yourself

Im laying bed and I can't sleep, third night in a row. On Wednesday I found out that my Fiance, who is serving Iraq, didn't want to be with me anymore. Days before this breaking email, he had emailed me and told me how much he loved me and missed me and couldn't wait to hold me again. I dont get it, there was no explanation. It was just over, just like that. I have, like most girls, had my heart broken and I thought that this was it, I finally found the one guy out there that I trusted would never hurt me. He chased after me for 8 months, then he got me, then he didn't want me. I'm lost. Why? I still have no explanation for this. Im heart broken. He was there for me when the guy who got me pregnant abanodned me, when I had the baby, when I had my break down, through it all, through my hardest time. I thought that since we made it through that we could make it through anything, guess not.

Was it me? Did I have so much wrong with that he just couldn't see past it anymore? He asked me to marry him! I didn't even think that he was going to ask me until a year from now! It was his desicion, it was his doing, now I'm left to suffer. Now Im back at square one. I have to move on. I have to try to find myself. What exactly does that mean? Am I supposed to go out looking for myself where my past was? I had dreams and goals, just because of all that has happened to me does that mean they are gone? Do I have to find those, and that is where I will find myself? When your a little child your dreams and goals are no where near what they are when your 21(for me at least) and living all on your own for the first time, living life. When I was little I wanted to be a princess, living in a big stone castle with my sister and bestfriend at the time. Then in Jr. High I wanted to be a movie star. I was in plays, doing commercials and I set my goal to be a movie star. Then in high school I decided that I had serious potential to be a dancer, so I went for it. It took me all over the U.S. I danced at both disneyland and disneyworld. I danced in mexico, I danced on TV. I thought I was making it. I got a scholorship to dance for a national winning school in Hawaii. I took it. That is where my life changed. I got pregnant, and my goals changed. Of course at the beginning of it all I tried to stay focused on my goals, but then I grew up. I had a life lesson and my goals changed. My eyes were opened to what I really believed and what I really wanted. At the time I wanted the best for my child and that is what I focused on. That is all that mattered. Now he is gone and Im here trying figure out what I can do. Im finding myself. My goals have changed somewhat. I do believe that there are people out there that know from a very young age what they want and they never want anything else so they go for it. But then there are people like me and it takes a little longer and some life lessons to figure it out. I still have some of the same goals, but right now Im learning about myself to know what is really out there for me.

The only problem with someone going for what they wanted since they were little is if they aren't careful they get lost in it and know of nothing else. They only know that life and how to live that life and when something comes in that they aren't used to they push it away because they dont know what to do with it. It isn't the norm for them. For some that might be ok, but for others they are pushing out people that could change thier life for the better. They have just lived in this one life for so long they know of nothing else. They need to find themselves. And sometimes stepping out of our norm is the only way for us to find out who we really are. You have to take that leap, that leap of faith. It might be scary, but you would rather live the rest of your life wondering what if? Life is too short to just let it pass you by. You have to live it and you can't live it if you don't know who you are! You can't help others unless you yourslef are mentally healthy. You cant live life and find yourself if you are lost in a familiar world. There is so much out there to experience, why let it go to waste? Live the world.

Loving, then loosing

How come when you love someone or something so much you have to eventually loose them or it? You devlope a love over a period of time and then like it never existed its gone. I have expereinced the greatest love and miracle a women can experience. I had a child, a beautiful baby boy. He was the most precious beautiful thing I had ever seen. He stole my heart the second I held him in my arms. "He is mine, I know him." He is my son. I have never known a love so deep and pure. How can you love someone so much you have just met and for reasons that dont make sense that aren't exact? It's a true miracle of God.

I love this little boy, I named him Isaac, in Hebru Isaac means "to love". As much as I loved this little innocent boy I could not get out of my head the fact that in two days I was going to give him to another woman. His mom. He was going to be raised by her, call her mom, go to her when he fell down, cuddle with her as she would read him a bed time story. He would grow to know her and forget me. He wont know of me or understand who I am until he was older. My boy, my son. I made him, he is my blood, he is me! Why can't I keep him? I askd myself this question over and over again throughout my pregnancy. There were things to me that were so important that I wanted him to have. A father, a stable home, a mom who can stay home with him, a family that will love him and give him opportunity. I didn't want to have to worry if I was going to be able to give him enough food that week or that I would run out of diapers. I may have made a mistake and gotten pregnant, but why make this little innocent child suffer? That, to me is selfish and not right. He deserves to have life like I had, full of opportunity and chances. He means more to me than my own life, and I want him to have everything that I couldn't give him. What I did was out of love, a love so full that no one can evem come close to knowing how I felt.

That last moment I had to hold him was the moment I'll never forget, he was asleep, not knowing what was going on, I was holding him on my chest, his little head on my shoulder and his face buried in my neck. His legs were all cuddled up in his chest and his arms as well. I sobbed, kissing him, whispereing "I love you" in his ear over and over again, like it was never enough. How could I do this? After what seemed to be seconds, when in reality is was 20 mins, I walked over to her and I placed my son in her arms. That was it that was the last time I would hold him. He was gone. I kissed him one last time and told him that I loved him and I always will. I turned around and walked away. I walked away from my son. I fell to my knees, I have never cried so hard in my whole life. I couldn't even hold my body up, even if I tried. I was screaming, I was so sad, I was gone. I fell asleep from crying so hard for about four hours and then woke up. I felt like what had just happened was a dream, it wasn't, I cried again. I hated myself, what had I done?!

I will say now that I DO NOT regret my desicion. It was right. I see pictures of him every week and he is so happy! I know him! I look at his face and I know him. He is mine and always will be. He has everything I have ever wanted. That makes me happy.

I choose the hard way. I choose to go thourgh with the pregnancy, even after his father abbandoned me. But in the end I did what was right for Isaac. He did nothing wrong, he was meant to come to earth and live life now and who am I to deprive him of that? Everything happens for a reason and it's how we deal with it that will determine the outcome. Isaac is living now, he is happy, isn't that what all parents want for thier child? To be happy? It was hard, the hardest thing I have ever done. But it was worth it. In life things that are hard are always there to teach us a lesson. I believe that if you choose the hard way you are choosing the right way. You just have to stop and really think, what is the hard way, and it usually turns out to be the right way.