Its funny how some things in your life will change your life totally and some make no impact when they should. I guess its good to have those things that change your life as long as it is for the better. Weather you are leaving you life of crime and poverty to better yourself because you know that you better than that. Why should one person have what they want out of life and not another just because of where you grew up? If you want something enough then you can have it, I believe that, or at least I did.
I have been through hell and back and I have learned a lot. I have grown a lot. And I feel like I have given my soul to God to have him help me make the right choice. And I thought or think I did. But when you sacrifice something that is a part of you, when you take the higher harder road, and you give yourself time to heal, aren't you supposed to just feel like you are on top of the world? I mean i dont believe in doing things to get something back, and that is not what i did, but i have to wonder. I feel like I have been through so much pain and heartache that by now I would have at least found a smidge of that one little thing that i didnt think exists. But it feels like I get further and further away from it.
Did I make a mistake? My family didnt like him, He was not right by me, but at the same time i knew him like no one else in the situation and he had a hard time dealing and that is how he dealt. Would he have been there for me more if I did what he wanted?? Would I have not gotten so hurt? Would he still be in my life? Its been two years and I still want him...is that normal? is that ok? Every guy I have ever dated i measure up to this one guy, before things went down on us... it was the best relationship i have ever had. EVER. no one even comes close to treating me how he did. I miss him. I miss him a lot. I want to be with him, and he has moved on and is so happy and im stuck. Im so happy he is happy, because when you love someone no matter what it takes you want them to be happy, even if it isnt with you. I wish i had the chance to have a second chance with him. But its over and I guess it will take time...I guess just longer than I had thought. But I have no closure with him, I want him to forgive me, tell me that he is ok and happy and that everything will be ok. I need to hear that but I guess I never will. Ill just go on, pretending im over him and that everything is ok, after all the only person i have control over is myself. Gotta make it work right? Be strong, stand tall and dont look back.
I have been through a lot but there is one thing that I always come back to. One thing that I know, one thing my parents have taught me, my teachers in church have taught me and most importantly God has shown me. I am loved by Christ. We go through hard times and we suffer, but we are in-charge of our own outcome. Sure every choice come with a consequence, but it doesn't always have to be looked bad upon. If we made the choice we should know that something will follow. Its a lesson, A lesson by Christ. He is teaching us, helping us, giving to us an understanding. If we never had to suffer we would never know how great it really is and how amazing it really feels to overcome and find your happiness. I have had hard times, gone through some hard things, and I have suffered for my wrong choices, and at times I thought that it was over, God was punishing me. Then someone that I respect so much told me this, "Following the darkest night is the brightest dawn" Those words changed me. I looked at things differently. He told me that God was not punishing me for making a mistake, but teaching me. I took a bad decision and did what I thought was best for the person innocent in the equation. I was selfless. My decision I made was what brought me closer to God. I prayed and prayed, and knew that I couldn't do it without him. I knew that I had made a bad choice, and I was down , but I still had the bit of faith in my heart that told me that I could pray to him to help me. I knew I was doing the right thing and I knew that even when we make mistakes God will not leave you alone. he loves us and wants us to be happy. We are his children and he will deliver us, he will deliver me.
For those of you that follow my blog you know I had a son, you also know that i placed him for adoption. Not only was my son my son, but a son of God. I named him Isaac. Just as Abraham would sacrifice his son Isaac I would sacrifice my son, as in i would give him away.
I could tell you the whole story again, but I don't feel I need to. I do want to say this, after I went through what I did I kept thinking that since I made the right choice God would bless me, but I was close minded about it, I thought that he would finally put that man in my life that would love me as I deserved. I was not thinking that I was going to be blessed in a different way. I may have not met that man, but I have met a lot of people that have been angels to me and have not even known it. If it weren't for those people showing the love of Christ through their actions I may not be where I am.
I want to thank you and I want to do it by name. Mom and Dad, Nicholas, Jenni, Kaitlin, Christian, Stephanie, Hala, Crystal, Maddie, Taylah, Jess and Jared, Kalyn, KC Shaw, Judy Shaw, Jolene Marshall, Larry Marshall, Debbie McAllister, Natalie McAllister, Carlslise, Kevin, and my birth mom and dad. Your love and actions have meant more to me than I could ever express and I dont know how I could ever express my thanks to you. Your love and support has helped through everything and I know that Christ loves me because he sent me you. So thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! :) Thank you for loving me, for not judging me, and caring about me :)