Loving, then loosing

How come when you love someone or something so much you have to eventually loose them or it? You devlope a love over a period of time and then like it never existed its gone. I have expereinced the greatest love and miracle a women can experience. I had a child, a beautiful baby boy. He was the most precious beautiful thing I had ever seen. He stole my heart the second I held him in my arms. "He is mine, I know him." He is my son. I have never known a love so deep and pure. How can you love someone so much you have just met and for reasons that dont make sense that aren't exact? It's a true miracle of God.

I love this little boy, I named him Isaac, in Hebru Isaac means "to love". As much as I loved this little innocent boy I could not get out of my head the fact that in two days I was going to give him to another woman. His mom. He was going to be raised by her, call her mom, go to her when he fell down, cuddle with her as she would read him a bed time story. He would grow to know her and forget me. He wont know of me or understand who I am until he was older. My boy, my son. I made him, he is my blood, he is me! Why can't I keep him? I askd myself this question over and over again throughout my pregnancy. There were things to me that were so important that I wanted him to have. A father, a stable home, a mom who can stay home with him, a family that will love him and give him opportunity. I didn't want to have to worry if I was going to be able to give him enough food that week or that I would run out of diapers. I may have made a mistake and gotten pregnant, but why make this little innocent child suffer? That, to me is selfish and not right. He deserves to have life like I had, full of opportunity and chances. He means more to me than my own life, and I want him to have everything that I couldn't give him. What I did was out of love, a love so full that no one can evem come close to knowing how I felt.

That last moment I had to hold him was the moment I'll never forget, he was asleep, not knowing what was going on, I was holding him on my chest, his little head on my shoulder and his face buried in my neck. His legs were all cuddled up in his chest and his arms as well. I sobbed, kissing him, whispereing "I love you" in his ear over and over again, like it was never enough. How could I do this? After what seemed to be seconds, when in reality is was 20 mins, I walked over to her and I placed my son in her arms. That was it that was the last time I would hold him. He was gone. I kissed him one last time and told him that I loved him and I always will. I turned around and walked away. I walked away from my son. I fell to my knees, I have never cried so hard in my whole life. I couldn't even hold my body up, even if I tried. I was screaming, I was so sad, I was gone. I fell asleep from crying so hard for about four hours and then woke up. I felt like what had just happened was a dream, it wasn't, I cried again. I hated myself, what had I done?!

I will say now that I DO NOT regret my desicion. It was right. I see pictures of him every week and he is so happy! I know him! I look at his face and I know him. He is mine and always will be. He has everything I have ever wanted. That makes me happy.

I choose the hard way. I choose to go thourgh with the pregnancy, even after his father abbandoned me. But in the end I did what was right for Isaac. He did nothing wrong, he was meant to come to earth and live life now and who am I to deprive him of that? Everything happens for a reason and it's how we deal with it that will determine the outcome. Isaac is living now, he is happy, isn't that what all parents want for thier child? To be happy? It was hard, the hardest thing I have ever done. But it was worth it. In life things that are hard are always there to teach us a lesson. I believe that if you choose the hard way you are choosing the right way. You just have to stop and really think, what is the hard way, and it usually turns out to be the right way.