1 year ago

1 year ago I was holding my son. Getting in as many kisses as I could before I had to let him go. Last year on October 21st, a beautiful baby boy named Issac was born. He came into my life that day and changed it forever. I took one look at him and could not believe how much I loved him. I knew at that moment that what I was about to do would be the hardest thing I will ever have to do. I knew that from that moment I would never be the same. This little innocent 7 pound boy had more of an impact on my life than anyone or thing in my life. And he didnt even know it!

Friday night I flew out to where my son lives. I went out to spend some time with him for his birthday. I wasnt even scared, since this wasn't my first time seeing him since I placed him. I was more excited!

I got to his house and there he was. In the arms of his mother. So content and happy. I just felt this rush of joy. That day was the best day this year for me. I got to spend so much time with him. See him open presents, play with them, and his family. I got to feed him and hold him and play with him. I couldnt believe how happy I was. He has such an amazing life and I gave that to him! I gave him everything I EVER wanted for him! I was so happy that words cant even come close to how I felt. I would look at him and not be able to believe that I made him. That I was this beautiful sweet little boys birth-mother. Im so proud to be his birthmother. He has my eyes and my smile and my fat cheeks! He has my soft skin and my big heart.

I never knew that love could run so deep. I have been through so much this year even after Iplaced him. Things that weren't related to him. But now that I look back, they were nothing compared to what happened a year ago. Im a better person now, stronger, smarter, and have expereinced a love that will never be replaced. The people in my life back then that are no longer in my life now, are only missing out on the best of me. They couldnt stand to deal with something life that hard. I did it, I overcame it, I am better because of it. They stopped and just left me. Couldnt deal with it. I am stronger than them. And at the time I didnt feel that but now that Ilook back I see that I made it through! I made it through my year of hell! sadness so deep and I never thought I could come out. Lonliness so dark I never thought I would be whole again. This little boy has a special part of my heart and always will.

I am so proud of myself, and no one will make me feel differently. I have realized that now I can do anything! I can do anything! It has been one hell of a year, but all for the better :)

Isaac

The first weekend in September I went to see Isaac. He was gettin blessed in church. His family invited me to go. I was so flattered! I was so excited to see him. part of me was a little scared but not too much. I knew that he wouldnt remember me but that wasnt my concern. On the drive there I tried to prepare myself. I told myself that he probably wont want me to hold him. He wont cuddle to me or even recognize my face. I was ready. I knew it would be ok, I knew it would be ok because he has everything I have ever wanted for him.

We pulled up at the house. Got out of the car and just started walking. We got to the door and thats when I realized what I was doing. But by then it was too late, his sister answered the door. She looked up at me and said "I've missed you!" It was so sweet! she gave me a hug and felt so warm and welcome and thought "MAN! Isaac has a great sister!" She is so sweet and kind hearted, she is an amazing older sister.

We walked in and I looked around trying to not look to anxious to see him. He wasnt around. I saw his dad and gave him a hug. I saw his brother and gave him a hug too. He imidiatly told me that Isaac was upstairs, he just woke up. I went into the kitchen with my mom. We were there sitting and talking with his dad. Then all of the sudden, there he was, in his moms arms. I have never seen a more beautiful little boy. He was so cute and so sweet! He looked so curious, like "who are these people in my house?" she walked over and handed him to me. I held him and he looked at me like he was trying to figure out who i was. It was precious. I loved holding him. His little belly and arms and legs. Man! had he grown up! He looked so big and so cute! I mean he really is a little man. You can tell from looking at him that he thinks he is older than he is. My heart instantly filled with warmth. I felt...happy! I took him in the backyard and saw him walk. His little bum waddling back and forth, his arms in the air as if thats makes him go faster, his voice shriking with excitment. It was the most beautiful thing i have seen. I loved watching his brother and sister play with him fight over who gets to kiss him next. This is what I wanted. This is it! a family, conent, happy, baby life. He is a momas boy, I love that. He LOVES his mom. I mean that just shows me that he is loved and perfectly taken care of.

Words cant explin how happy that moment made me when i saw him lay his head on his mom. I just knew that he was happy and that is all that matters to me, that is all that has ever mattered to me. His well being and happiness have always mattered to me more than anything else in this world. After a little bit of playing we went to church for the belssing. When it came time to bless him I was so shocked to see my dad and older brother get up to go bless him! I had no idea that they were invited....it meant more to me than I think his family will ever know. The blessing was beautiful and touched me so deep. Then after the blessing they came and sat down and they asked me if i wanted to hold him. How did they know! lol! I leaned over and held him. He was so into my face and the features. it was cute! he just looked at me. Then we played with one of his toys. Then his mom and dad got up to bare their testimony. They were beautiful. His mom expressed hoe grateful she was to finally have her family that she has always wanted. She was so happy to have a family! something so small and something that we forget how lucky we are to have. It was so touching. Then his dad said that he was so thankful for each of their birth-childrens birth mothers. Without them they wouldnt have the beautiful family that they did. I thought, "wow, i did that" I helped this couple have a family." I felt so happy. I not only gave my sone everything I have ever wanted for him but I blessed the lives of two amazing people that deserve to have a family just as much as anyone else. It was hard for me but worth it.

I could never explain what I have been throug in words that can relate people to my feelings. But I can remember them for myself. I know that what I did was right and that it was for my son and him only. I have lived a life and I have an amazing family. I want that for him, he is my most amazing blessing. He has done more for me than he will ever know. I am so happy. I love my son more than the day I had him and more than the day I placed him. I find peace and happiness in knowing that he is ok and he is happy. He will know who I am and he will know that I love him. Thats enough for me.

He is my baby boy and always will be. :)

BYE BYE

I was litening to the song "Bye Bye" by Mariah Carey and it got me thinking for the first time. I have listened to it before and I know that I like it but this time I herd it differently.

I have lately been wanting to hear my sons laugh more than anything. I would give anything just hear his laugh. I get pictures and letters from him and he is so happy. That makes me happy. I know the feeling now of my parent being happy when Im happy and how much they really just want me to be happy. All I wanted for my son was for him to be happy and content and I see that in his pictures. My heart grows ten sizes every time I see his pictures. He is smilling laughing...being a baby! It so rewarding and it makes me feel so happy that happy is nowhere near a strong enough word. I could never sxplain the feeling I get when i see him happy. Well I was listening to that song and I thought of how much it hurt to say bye bye to my son...but now how right it was. The song talks about being able to say goodbye to someone and let your feelings show that you miss them or to stand proud if you let someone go cause you love them. Its such a different approach to saying goodbye. Alot of people will hold on those feelings of feeling like the lost someone and said goodbye, but yet we shout out when we have something good happen. Well why cant we stand and put our hands in air and feel out loud about saying goodbye. You know that they say when you really love someone you have to say goodbye. When you really love someone you will do what is best for them....they come first. That to me is true love. Love is not selfish or unkind. It is giving and honest. I feel that I have felt the greatest love and I did the best thing. I said bye bye. And now the one person in this world that has my heart is happy. That is all I wanted. I did that. I put that smile on his face. I put that laugh in his heart. I put that sense of saftey and comfort and content in his mind. I gave him a famil, I gave him a life, the life a baby should have. He will always know who I am and always know I love him. That is good enough for me. :) I love my son I love him so much I let him go.

Following the darkest night follows the brightest dawn

"FOLLWOING THE DARKEST NIGHT FOLLOWS THE BRIGHTEST DAWN" I first herd this quote from my friend that came to see me a day after I had placed my son for adoption. At the time I didnt believe it. I was so low I couldn't see how that would ever possibly work. How, when you're so low, can you believe that it gets better? Its like I was so far down a hole in the ground that the top was a speck the size of a star in the sky. Every morning I woke up I was supposed to feel better... but it just got harder and harder to get out of bed. I remember thinking that my bed was my only comfort. But then I thought, if there is a speck of light...that means there is a speck of hope. My "dark night" lasted so long. It felt as though the rest of my life was going to be dark. But then one morning I woke up and I felt a little brighter. I now belive the saying more than ever. I see life in such a brighter way. Right now my sun is still rising...but at least its rising right? It a beautiful sunrise too. The colors give both energy and hope, peace and comfort. Its beautiful. I believe I have gottne over the hardest part, but I dont by any means feel as though its easy. Everyday I have to remind myself that if I made it this far then I only have up to go from here. And that is exaclty where I plan to go. Up.

--Danielle Stewart

NO ONE talks about my son like that!

So I went on a trip this past week to Jersey to visit my sister. I had a really good trip and it was a lot of fun. But there was one thing that happened that made me so mad. I cant remember ever feeling that mad.

I had a guy that I had been talking to tell me that me placing my son for adoption was selfish and that I was only thinking of myself. And know that just before this he had gotten mad at me for a judgment that I made on him. I admitted that I shouldnt have done that and that I was wrong but then he turns around and judges me, and with this! He has no idea! I did not choose the easy way out and I did what was best for my son. I know this and I dont need anyone to tell me different. He can have his point of view that is fine, but I wont have that in my life. I dont need someone in my life telling me that what I did was selfish, someone bringing me down. I have been through hell and back through this adoption and I think that considereing how low I got im doing really well. Im not going to let some guy who is inmature and insecure with himself to bring me down. I can understand his point of view if I had choosen to place him because I didnt want the resposibility, but that was not the case. I would have loved to have the chance to raise him, waks up and feed him, play with him, feed him, bath him, take him the doctor to see how much he had grown, be so tired from no sleep to take care of him, but I also would never see him, I would work full time and then another part time job. My mom would have raised him and I would only see him at night and maybe on the weekends. I would be working just to make ends meet. I had no support from the dad and I know that I wanted my son to have more. I wanted him to have a stable home and a strong father figure. I wanted to have the family that I believe in and this was the only way to give it to him. As his mother I felt that it was my duty to give what he needed no matter what, so I did. It sucked for me but it wasnt me I was worried about. Im so happy of where he is and I love that it is an open adoption. He is my pride and joy and my inspiration. He is my greatest blessing and not a day goes by where I dont wish he was in my arms, but that comes with the desicion I made and I have no regrets. I made that decision with God on my side. I know I did the right thing and Im proud of myself.
That guy obviously doesn't understand and that is ok. I dont think anyone ever will unless they go through it themselves. I love my son and no one will ever love him as much as I do. Like they say, when you really love someone you have to let them go. He is taken care of and is happy, that is all I want...for him to be happy. :)

I love you.....now what?

Well I herd on the radio today people telling stories about a time when they told someone that they loved them and the person said thank you in return and stories that were vice verse..
I have never been in the situation but I do know that I have done the one thing that you shouldn’t do, and that is say “I love you” back because you don’t want to hurt the other persons feelings. I am one of those people that likes everyone to be happy. I am the pleas-er. I want everyone to be happy and if someone is not I take it as my fault if I cant fix it. I don’t like people to suffer and be sad if I can help it. Of course there are those people that have done so wrong that I don’t feel bad for them to a point but at the same time I think that if someone is willing to try to be better and change their life then I don’t think I’m one to down that. With all that said I was sitting there listening to these people tell their stories of hearing the dreadful “Thank You” and I thought….whats better if the person doesn’t feel the same? “Thank you?” or nothing?
I personally with what I have experienced being the one to have the response it would have been so much better if I had said Thank you, instead of saying I love you back out of compassion. But I also do think that you can say something better than nothing and better than Thank you. You could explain where you are. I think that if the person is going to take the courage to put themselves out there then they at least deserve an explanation back. You should or they should at least tell them how they feel and where they are. I know that if i told someone that I love them and they weren’t ready to say it back I would like an explanation as to where they are. I think that it would be least a person could do.

Sincerely,
Danielle Stewart