its funny

Its funny how some things in your life will change your life totally and some make no impact when they should. I guess its good to have those things that change your life as long as it is for the better. Weather you are leaving you life of crime and poverty to better yourself because you know that you better than that. Why should one person have what they want out of life and not another just because of where you grew up? If you want something enough then you can have it, I believe that, or at least I did. 

I have been through hell and back and I have learned a lot. I have grown a lot. And I feel like I have given my soul to God to have him help me make the right choice. And I thought or think I did. But when you sacrifice something that is a part of you, when you take the higher harder road, and you give yourself time to heal, aren't you supposed to just feel like you are on top of the world? I mean i dont believe in doing things to get something back, and that is not what i did, but i have to wonder. I feel like I have been through so much pain and heartache that by now I would have at least found a smidge of that one little thing that i didnt think exists. But it feels like I get further and further away from it.

Did I make a mistake? My family didnt like him, He was not right by me, but at the same time i knew him like no one else in the situation and he had a hard time dealing and that is how he dealt. Would he have been there for me more if I did what he wanted?? Would I have not gotten so hurt? Would he still be in my life? Its been two years and I still want him...is that normal? is that ok? Every guy I have ever dated i measure up to this one guy, before things went down on us... it was the best relationship i have ever had. EVER. no one even comes close to treating me how he did. I miss him. I miss him a lot. I want to be with him, and he has moved on and is so happy and im stuck. Im so happy he is happy, because when you love someone no matter what it takes you want them to be happy, even if it isnt with you. I wish i had the chance to have a second chance with him. But its over and I guess it will take time...I guess just longer than I had thought. But I have no closure with him, I want him to forgive me, tell me that he is ok and happy and that everything will be ok. I need to hear that but I guess I never will. Ill just go on, pretending im over him and that everything is ok, after all the only person i have control over is myself. Gotta make it work right? Be strong, stand tall and dont look back.

What I know....thank you

I have been through a lot but there is one thing that I always come back to. One thing that I know, one thing my parents have taught me, my teachers in church have taught me and most importantly God has shown me. I am loved by Christ. We go through hard times and we suffer, but we are in-charge of our own outcome. Sure every choice come with a consequence, but it doesn't always have to be looked bad upon. If we made the choice we should know that something will follow. Its a lesson, A lesson by Christ. He is teaching us, helping us, giving to us an understanding. If we never had to suffer we would never know how great it really is and how amazing it really feels to overcome and find your happiness. I have had hard times, gone through some hard things, and I have suffered for my wrong choices, and at times I thought that it was over, God was punishing me. Then someone that I respect so much told me this, "Following the darkest night is the brightest dawn" Those words changed me. I looked at things differently. He told me that God was not punishing me for making a mistake, but teaching me. I took a bad decision and did what I thought was best for the person innocent in the equation. I was selfless. My decision I made was what brought me closer to God. I prayed and prayed, and knew that I couldn't do it without him. I knew that I had made a bad choice, and I was down , but I still had the bit of faith in my heart that told me that I could pray to him to help me. I knew I was doing the right thing and I knew that even when we make mistakes God will not leave you alone. he loves us and wants us to be happy. We are his children and he will deliver us, he will deliver me.  

For those of you that follow my blog you know I had a son, you also know that i placed him for adoption. Not only was my son my son, but a son of God. I named him Isaac. Just as Abraham would sacrifice his son Isaac I would sacrifice my son, as in i would give him away. 

I could tell you the whole story again, but I don't feel I need to. I do want to say this, after I went through what I did I kept thinking that since I made the right choice God would bless me, but I was close minded about it, I thought that he would finally put that man in my life that would love me as I deserved. I was not thinking that I was going to be blessed in a different way. I may have not met that man, but I have met a lot of people that have been angels to me and have not even known it. If it weren't for those people showing the love of Christ through their actions I may not be where I am. 

 I want to thank you and I want to do it by name. Mom and Dad, Nicholas, Jenni, Kaitlin, Christian, Stephanie, Hala, Crystal, Maddie, Taylah, Jess and Jared, Kalyn, KC Shaw, Judy Shaw, Jolene Marshall, Larry Marshall, Debbie  McAllister, Natalie McAllister, Carlslise, Kevin, and my birth mom and dad.  Your love and actions have meant more to me than I could ever express and I dont know how I could ever express my thanks to you. Your love and support has helped through everything and I know that Christ loves me because he sent me you. So thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! :) Thank you for loving me, for not judging me, and caring about me :)

Thank you

Here are his one year pictures! soooo cute!

1 year ago

1 year ago I was holding my son. Getting in as many kisses as I could before I had to let him go. Last year on October 21st, a beautiful baby boy named Issac was born. He came into my life that day and changed it forever. I took one look at him and could not believe how much I loved him. I knew at that moment that what I was about to do would be the hardest thing I will ever have to do. I knew that from that moment I would never be the same. This little innocent 7 pound boy had more of an impact on my life than anyone or thing in my life. And he didnt even know it!

Friday night I flew out to where my son lives. I went out to spend some time with him for his birthday. I wasnt even scared, since this wasn't my first time seeing him since I placed him. I was more excited!

I got to his house and there he was. In the arms of his mother. So content and happy. I just felt this rush of joy. That day was the best day this year for me. I got to spend so much time with him. See him open presents, play with them, and his family. I got to feed him and hold him and play with him. I couldnt believe how happy I was. He has such an amazing life and I gave that to him! I gave him everything I EVER wanted for him! I was so happy that words cant even come close to how I felt. I would look at him and not be able to believe that I made him. That I was this beautiful sweet little boys birth-mother. Im so proud to be his birthmother. He has my eyes and my smile and my fat cheeks! He has my soft skin and my big heart.

I never knew that love could run so deep. I have been through so much this year even after Iplaced him. Things that weren't related to him. But now that I look back, they were nothing compared to what happened a year ago. Im a better person now, stronger, smarter, and have expereinced a love that will never be replaced. The people in my life back then that are no longer in my life now, are only missing out on the best of me. They couldnt stand to deal with something life that hard. I did it, I overcame it, I am better because of it. They stopped and just left me. Couldnt deal with it. I am stronger than them. And at the time I didnt feel that but now that Ilook back I see that I made it through! I made it through my year of hell! sadness so deep and I never thought I could come out. Lonliness so dark I never thought I would be whole again. This little boy has a special part of my heart and always will.

I am so proud of myself, and no one will make me feel differently. I have realized that now I can do anything! I can do anything! It has been one hell of a year, but all for the better :)

Isaac

The first weekend in September I went to see Isaac. He was gettin blessed in church. His family invited me to go. I was so flattered! I was so excited to see him. part of me was a little scared but not too much. I knew that he wouldnt remember me but that wasnt my concern. On the drive there I tried to prepare myself. I told myself that he probably wont want me to hold him. He wont cuddle to me or even recognize my face. I was ready. I knew it would be ok, I knew it would be ok because he has everything I have ever wanted for him.

We pulled up at the house. Got out of the car and just started walking. We got to the door and thats when I realized what I was doing. But by then it was too late, his sister answered the door. She looked up at me and said "I've missed you!" It was so sweet! she gave me a hug and felt so warm and welcome and thought "MAN! Isaac has a great sister!" She is so sweet and kind hearted, she is an amazing older sister.

We walked in and I looked around trying to not look to anxious to see him. He wasnt around. I saw his dad and gave him a hug. I saw his brother and gave him a hug too. He imidiatly told me that Isaac was upstairs, he just woke up. I went into the kitchen with my mom. We were there sitting and talking with his dad. Then all of the sudden, there he was, in his moms arms. I have never seen a more beautiful little boy. He was so cute and so sweet! He looked so curious, like "who are these people in my house?" she walked over and handed him to me. I held him and he looked at me like he was trying to figure out who i was. It was precious. I loved holding him. His little belly and arms and legs. Man! had he grown up! He looked so big and so cute! I mean he really is a little man. You can tell from looking at him that he thinks he is older than he is. My heart instantly filled with warmth. I felt...happy! I took him in the backyard and saw him walk. His little bum waddling back and forth, his arms in the air as if thats makes him go faster, his voice shriking with excitment. It was the most beautiful thing i have seen. I loved watching his brother and sister play with him fight over who gets to kiss him next. This is what I wanted. This is it! a family, conent, happy, baby life. He is a momas boy, I love that. He LOVES his mom. I mean that just shows me that he is loved and perfectly taken care of.

Words cant explin how happy that moment made me when i saw him lay his head on his mom. I just knew that he was happy and that is all that matters to me, that is all that has ever mattered to me. His well being and happiness have always mattered to me more than anything else in this world. After a little bit of playing we went to church for the belssing. When it came time to bless him I was so shocked to see my dad and older brother get up to go bless him! I had no idea that they were invited....it meant more to me than I think his family will ever know. The blessing was beautiful and touched me so deep. Then after the blessing they came and sat down and they asked me if i wanted to hold him. How did they know! lol! I leaned over and held him. He was so into my face and the features. it was cute! he just looked at me. Then we played with one of his toys. Then his mom and dad got up to bare their testimony. They were beautiful. His mom expressed hoe grateful she was to finally have her family that she has always wanted. She was so happy to have a family! something so small and something that we forget how lucky we are to have. It was so touching. Then his dad said that he was so thankful for each of their birth-childrens birth mothers. Without them they wouldnt have the beautiful family that they did. I thought, "wow, i did that" I helped this couple have a family." I felt so happy. I not only gave my sone everything I have ever wanted for him but I blessed the lives of two amazing people that deserve to have a family just as much as anyone else. It was hard for me but worth it.

I could never explain what I have been throug in words that can relate people to my feelings. But I can remember them for myself. I know that what I did was right and that it was for my son and him only. I have lived a life and I have an amazing family. I want that for him, he is my most amazing blessing. He has done more for me than he will ever know. I am so happy. I love my son more than the day I had him and more than the day I placed him. I find peace and happiness in knowing that he is ok and he is happy. He will know who I am and he will know that I love him. Thats enough for me.

He is my baby boy and always will be. :)

MY FAV PIC!!!!

I LOVE THOSE CHEEKS!!

SO CUTE!!!!!! (like his mom) lol!!!

BYE BYE

I was litening to the song "Bye Bye" by Mariah Carey and it got me thinking for the first time. I have listened to it before and I know that I like it but this time I herd it differently.

I have lately been wanting to hear my sons laugh more than anything. I would give anything just hear his laugh. I get pictures and letters from him and he is so happy. That makes me happy. I know the feeling now of my parent being happy when Im happy and how much they really just want me to be happy. All I wanted for my son was for him to be happy and content and I see that in his pictures. My heart grows ten sizes every time I see his pictures. He is smilling laughing...being a baby! It so rewarding and it makes me feel so happy that happy is nowhere near a strong enough word. I could never sxplain the feeling I get when i see him happy. Well I was listening to that song and I thought of how much it hurt to say bye bye to my son...but now how right it was. The song talks about being able to say goodbye to someone and let your feelings show that you miss them or to stand proud if you let someone go cause you love them. Its such a different approach to saying goodbye. Alot of people will hold on those feelings of feeling like the lost someone and said goodbye, but yet we shout out when we have something good happen. Well why cant we stand and put our hands in air and feel out loud about saying goodbye. You know that they say when you really love someone you have to say goodbye. When you really love someone you will do what is best for them....they come first. That to me is true love. Love is not selfish or unkind. It is giving and honest. I feel that I have felt the greatest love and I did the best thing. I said bye bye. And now the one person in this world that has my heart is happy. That is all I wanted. I did that. I put that smile on his face. I put that laugh in his heart. I put that sense of saftey and comfort and content in his mind. I gave him a famil, I gave him a life, the life a baby should have. He will always know who I am and always know I love him. That is good enough for me. :) I love my son I love him so much I let him go.